As I watch (and sometimes try hard not to watch) social media and American culture, I get the impression that this topic is becoming increasingly important. There's a lot - a lot - of judgment and criticism being thrown around, and it's not the easiest thing in the world to respond well to. I know I certainly don't. And in fact, I would argue that I'm very much not alone in that. A lot of people - both inside and outside the church - react very poorly (shall we say) to other people's judgment.
Have you ever found yourself on social media wondering, "How could that person possibly believe that obviously false thing?" or "How could that person possibly maintain such a flagrant double standard with a straight face?" or "How could that person possibly support X politician from X political party that does X horrible things?" or "Why does that person feel the need to constantly spew venom all over Facebook and Twitter? Why can't they ever take a break to talk about puppies?" I am starting to believe that, a huge percentage of the time, such behavior is a defensive reaction to feeling judged.
How, you may ask? Well, consider how YOU feel when you are judged or criticized. If you are a human being like I am, the odds are it's going to make you angry and defensive. It is remarkable to me how much we value our honor. I keep hearing Americans talk about "honor cultures" as though they only existed in some remote part of Central Asia or on Klingon spaceships, but yes, even we Americans care deeply about honor and shame. There's only so much disrespect a person can tolerate - defense mechanisms eventually kick in and we start acting to regain what we've lost. Granted, not everyone is as sensitive to honor and shame as others are. But throw in the element of moral guilt, and now just about everybody is sensitive. Some people can tolerate being thought ill of or treated disrespectfully. Pretty much nobody can tolerate thinking of themselves as evil. God designed us with a powerful intolerance of moral guilt. We will go to extraordinary lengths to consider ourselves basically decent human beings. If you accuse me of doing evil, I have to do something to prevent the accusation from landing. And that something is often the source of a lot of ugliness.
Let's take an example. Imagine that there's somebody in your workplace or school (or somewhere else where you have to be on a regular basis) who is a dietary zealot. Maybe he's one of those paleo/CrossFit types, or a militant vegan, or a raw fruitarian, or an adherent to some new, crazy fad diet, but whichever way, this person not only feels that he has found a diet that works for him, but he has found the one true diet for all of humanity. Especially you. And every time you find yourself in the cafeteria or going out to eat with this person, you know you're about to get a lengthy lecture. He's going to smirk at your hastily packed lunch and roll his eyes a lot. Maybe he's going to make jokes about how you're slowly killing yourself with your processed garbage. It won't take long before this guy is going to seriously get on your nerves.
However, you might actually be able to tolerate this to some degree. You might be pretty secure in your self-image. There's a chance you won't feel any need to react to this, even if it goes on for years. But now imagine that he starts throwing in a moral element to his criticisms. Maybe that ham sandwich is cruelty to animals. Maybe that allegedly healthy whole-grain sandwich is somehow contributing to planetary destruction via global warming. Maybe the diabetes of which you will very shortly die is going to bankrupt the country's medical system. Maybe feeding your children like that is tantamount to child abuse. But whatever the particulars of his argument are, the upshot is not just that you are foolish for eating your diet, but that you are wicked. Now the ante is upped. Eventually, the constant drumbeat of moral indictment is going to build to a climax and provoke your defense mechanisms. You're going to get angry.
And that anger is going to make you want to do 2 things, as anger does:
- Punish the perpetrator
- Morally indict the perpetrator
So going back to our friend the dietary zealot, we can see how his continual moral criticism of us might provoke a desire not just to punish him, but to judge him right back. Throwing his judgment back in his face serves two purposes here - not only does it satisfy our anger, it also nullifies his moral judgment of us. If he is wicked, he is in no place to criticize (or at least, that's how it feels).
What does this look like in practice? Maybe another coworker comes by our office and casually refers to the zealot as a "self-righteous jerk" and we nod along grimly. We latch onto the word "self-righteous" (or "judgmental" or "puritanical" or "priggish" or "hysterical" or "virtue signalling" or similar), as it makes it sound like his moral judgment of us is wicked somehow (and therefore unjustified), and that feels good. Or maybe we see an article on Facebook about a scientfic study suggesting that the zealot's diet increases cancer risk by 3%. Maybe we go ahead and click "Share" on that study without first checking to see if the study is any good. Or maybe we latch onto the idea that it's his diet that's so harmful and evil, and the guy is a massive hypocrite (we LOVE the word "hypocrite," as though the problem was his failure to live up to his own standard, rather than the fact that he uses his standard to judge us). The "fact" that his diet causes cancer may even become truer than truth to us. It should be true, therefore it is true. And why should it be true? Because it proves that our moral accusers are wicked. It restores our honor, and eliminates our guilt. Maybe a new diet guru rises up who promises a more moral, healthier diet by eating all the opposite things that our coworker recommends ("It's the Krispy Kreme Kleanse!"), and we gradually start to become a devotee. The articles and books from the guru "just make sense." "It's like he's saying everything I've thought all these years, but couldn't articulate," we say. Maybe the guru comes up with nasty nicknames for adherents to alternative diets, and we eat it up, and occasionally parrot the insults to others. When we see one of our other coworkers head to the "heart-healthy" line of the cafeteria, we roll our eyes and make snide remarks at her. And the circle is complete! We have become the very thing we hated.
I believe that a tremendous amount of the judgment we experience is, in fact, defensive. It's a reaction to previously experienced judgment, protecting and shoring up a person's honor and moral status. That Facebook "friend" spewing hateful invective all over your social media feeds is likely to be doing so because somebody else was spewing hateful invective to them. In the same way that violence spawns violence, judgment spawns judgment. Moral accusation is frequently retaliatory.
What does this mean?
It means somebody's gotta stop the cycle.
Which is why I think it's important to figure out how not to react defensively to human judgments. For a Christian to be able to "judge not" as Jesus commanded, it would help a lot, I think, to "react not." We will be a lot less likely to judge our neighbors if we do not allow our defensive anger to control us.
But how do you do that? If my own experience has taught me anything, it's that underreacting to people's judgment is extremely challenging. Of course, it could be that I'm a lot more sensitive than most people (at least, I hope that's true, for everyone else's sake!), but I suspect I am not alone in feeling the need to judge people back. And what makes it harder is that there's no avoiding other people's judgment! You have no real control over whether other people condemn you. You can pretty much expect judgment to come your way.
Jesus says as much himself. There are two things that Jesus said that sum this up extremely well:
- "You will be hated by everyone because of me." (Matthew 10:22)
- "[The world] hates me because I testify that its works are evil." (John 7:7)
So how do we not add to the problem? How do we not hate back?
The Bible is not silent on this subject. As hated as you might feel by the hysterical people on social media, American Christians have absolutely nothing on the serious persecution affecting the early church. Yet the Bible has a lot of words encouraging us to not hate back. So here are some ideas that might be helpful, taken from scripture:
- Remember the Greater Future Reward
In the Sermon on the Mount, Jesus said, “Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me. Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you." Jesus isn't telling you to feel happy when you are insulted just because he said to. He's offering you a reason to feel happy - there's a fantastic reward coming if you hold fast. Remember that staying true to God's word and not responding to hatred with hatred will pay off in incredible ways in the long run. - Take Active Steps to Reconcile With People Where You Can
Sometimes people are going to hate you for no good reason. Other times, they'll be upset for something you did that you shouldn't have done, or something that can be fixed. We need to make every effort to reduce and eliminate those times, and do what we can to make things right when we screw up. Also in the Sermon on the Mount, Jesus urges his followers: "if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother or sister has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to them; then come and offer your gift. Settle matters quickly with your adversary who is taking you to court. Do it while you are still together on the way, or your adversary may hand you over to the judge, and the judge may hand you over to the officer, and you may be thrown into prison." If you can without violating God's principles, apologize! Many times you can stop the cycle of judgment immediately. Paul also talks about this in Romans 12: "Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everyone. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone." - Remember God's Character
Here's Jesus again, from the Sermon on the Mount: "You have heard that it was said, ‘Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’ But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be children of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous." Check out that language - God provides good things to not just good people, but evil people as well. And Jesus encourages us to do likewise - to do good to people regardless of their moral status. What gives you the right to act in hatred where God does not? - Give Your Anger to God, He Will Repay
In the book of Romans, Paul talks about revenge: "Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,” says the Lord." If you are struggling with anger toward someone, remember that giving it to God does not mean justice will never be done. It means that you are allowing God - the ultimate and righteous judge - to do his job, to judge and punish (and show mercy) as only he can. It is easier to let go of anger knowing that justice is in the hands of the ultimate king. - Remember Jesus's Example
It can be encouraging to remember that Jesus went ahead of us. Consider the book of 1 Peter: "To this you were called, because Christ suffered for you, leaving you an example, that you should follow in his steps. He committed no sin, and no deceit was found in his mouth. When they hurled their insults at him, he did not retaliate; when he suffered, he made no threats. Instead, he entrusted himself to him who judges justly." - Consider the Practical Benefits of Gentleness
Peter also brings up another point: "Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect, keeping a clear conscience, so that those who speak maliciously against your good behavior in Christ may be ashamed of their slander." By being gentle and respectful, those observing stand a chance of seeing the hate that is driving your accusers, and therefore societal shame will work in your favor. - Remember What Really Justifies You
We are justified by God's grace alone - if we understand our own sin, and how forgiven we are, we can work at resting our identities in God's justification. That means that when someone judges us or rebukes us, we can humbly accept the parts that are true, and react with more self-control to the parts that aren't. This isn't easy, of course, but I think it's something we can grow in. - Ask God for Help
"Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened." Non-retalation is hard. Ask God for good gifts.
So I would really encourage you, whenever you feel judged or hated, to stop and take stock of what your defensiveness is making you want to do. Then think of Jesus's example, let God handle the justice, and show mercy to your enemy.
Maybe, here and there, we can stop the cycle.
